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Not feeling loved and cared for?

It could be a root cause for anger and sadness in relationships

By Dr. Elizma van der Smit November 2017

· Relationships,Mind,Life Skills

Maybe you are fuming! You have asked your partner so many times for the same thing, but again they disappointed you!!! You are so hurt that they do not seem to care enough to do simple things that is important to you. You might think: “People only love me when I do things for them, but they are never there when I need them!!! Why is it so hard for people to love you? Actually, this is the way it has always been. Nobody really loves me or care for me. I feel that I always have to beg and fight for someone’s love. I feel so alone! I always fall in the same trap. People only love me for a short while and then they lose interest in me!”

If this resonates with you, the root cause of your anger and sadness might lie in the feeling that you do not feel loved and cared for.

Why do I feel not loved?

If you constantly feel unloved, it is possible that you are seeking love from an individual who are incapable of loving others—due to mistreatment and trauma as a child. They know only the romantic fantasy of loving, and how to mimic it, but not the reality. Their experience of rejection has made them so self-focused and protective that they have never learned how to give and accept love from another. They harbor the core belief of: “Do not commit to others on an emotional level, because they will only hurt you and let you down in the end."

Many people do not realize, even if they desperately want to be loved, they are unable to feel truly loved since they themselves have self-protective mechanisms that keep them from experiencing the deep pain of rejection (even if it is just a perception). And should someone profess to love them, they cannot accept it, believing that once that person discovers who they really are (i.e., defective and unlovable), they will reject them

These people also tend to be perfectionists. They see the world in black and white terms and tend to romanticize relationships. The hard fact for them is that no one can perfectly love them all the time. And so, their expectations eventually become self-fulfilling no matter how hard another person may try to love. People who feel unlovable will see nearly every mistake other make as further evidence that they are not loved.

Feelings, of course, are the product of experiences that are then translated into beliefs. If your belief is that you are unlovable (based on the way you've been treated or neglected and how that has made you feel about yourself), then you will erect a strong emotional wall that protects you from the pain of such feelings and beliefs and from anything that might trigger them.

When you don't feel enough love on the inside — when you don't feel good enough, lovable enough, smart enough, anything enough — your default is to move into trying to get someone else to make you feel this way.

You figure, "If he or she loves me, then I'll feel loved." Unfortunately, it doesn't work this way. Trying to secure love on the outside causes us to chase after people and demand their love. But this just leaves us, well, chasing. It will never get you the love you want.

That's because the secret to feeling loved by someone else is loving yourself. What we experience from others is a reflection of what we experience inside ourselves. If you feel desperate for another person's love, it's a sign that you're desperately in need of loving yourself. There's a hole you're trying to fill, but the reality is it can only be filled by you. As you fill this need within — as you love yourself more and more — then you'll feel more love from others, too

What can I do about it? How to feel more loved:

  • Love is not a feeling, it is giving.  Understand that it is a complete false perception that love is a feeling that you partner ignites in you.  Do not think that it is your partners’ job to make you feel alive and whole.  And if you do not feel enough love or desire – do not assume that there is something wrong with the relationship. Know that aliveness and wholeness is a quality that only you cultivate by paying close attention to your inner world.  In other words, to give love in order to gain validation or as a way to fill yourself up, does not work.  But if you can give love from a filled-up place inside of you without condition or expectation – your relationship will transform.

If you're not feeling loved, it's important to do an internal check first. Do not blame your partner for not making you feel loved, happy, or complete. According to Monica Parikh of School of Love NYC . "The simple truth is that it's each person's obligation to fill their own emotional tank —through friendships, hobbies, fulfilling work, physical exercise, charitable acts, and creative artistry. Once you tend to your own emotional needs from a variety of sources, you tend to become much less needy for your partner."

  • Look deeply at your needs and intentions. Sometimes when we go out looking for love, we’re really trying to avoid giving ourselves what we need. There’s pain in our past we don’t want to acknowledge, or there’s an emptiness inside that we don’t want to fill on our own. If you’re feeling a hole somewhere inside, take a close look at what might have caused it. Be strong enough to acknowledge what you need to do for you, whether it’s having a long overdue conversation with a family member, working on your self-esteem, or finding a sense of purpose in life.
  • Recognize the love you’re not giving. It’s far easier to pinpoint what we’re not getting than it is to be honest with ourselves about what we’re not giving. Perhaps you want people to check in with your more frequently. Are you checking in with them? Maybe you want people to ask more about your personal life. Are you asking them about theirs? Give the type of love you want to receive. Give praise. Notice the little things. Offer help without it being asked of you. This does not mean that you should always be the one giving!! Ask for what you need!
  • Change your beliefs about the world and love.

When we tell ourselves the same things over and over again, we end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell yourself that people don’t care, you’ll put that energy into the world and then easily find evidence to back it up. If you tell yourself you’ll never experience love, you’ll create mental barriers and then subconsciously repel it. Tell yourself a different story: There’s a lot of love in the world, there’s plenty to go around, you deserve it, and it’s coming to you every day.

If you would like to take more control over your mind and your suffering, the best practices according to Angela Gunn, are meditation and mindfulness.

  1. First, accept that in order to become more mindful, we must recognize that we are solely responsible for the thoughts our minds produce. While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can take control over them and create moments of peace for ourselves.
  2. Second, when thoughts or fear arise, try to do the following as soon as you are aware of what’s taking place in your mind and body:
  • Stop.
  • Take a long, deep breath in and out. In your mind say “in” as you breathe in and “out” as you breathe out in order to ground yourself in the present moment. There is an app to help you  http://boxbreathing.org/
  • Then, feel the ground beneath your feet. Notice the way your clothes feel against your skin, the wind against your face, the sun on your cheeks. Listen to the birds singing, the rain falling around you, or the ticking of a nearby clock.

All this will ground you in the present moment. Even if thoughts want to drag you away with them, coming back to recognize the breath will give you the control you need to prevent this from happening.

Follow these steps until you feel that the thought or storyline in your mind has moved on, or until you feel that the pull of your thought or fear has dissipated slightly.

At this point, you can return to whatever you were doing, and hopefully you will have prevented yourself from suffering in that moment.

Resources

http://www.charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-growth/26566-getting-to-the-deep-seated-root-of-rejection

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13257/the-secret-you-need-to-know-about-feeling-loved-in-a-relationship.html

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13363/4-surefire-ways-to-make-your-partner-feel-loved.html

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-feel-more-loved-9-tips-for-deep-connection/

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-of-fear-by-stopping-the-stories-in-your-head/

This post is for informational purposes only. It should not be considered therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local doctor/psychologist or psychiatrist or the SADAG Mental Health Line on 011 234 4837. If necessary, please phone the Suicide Crisis Line on 0800 567 567 or sms 31393.

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This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local doctor/psychologist or psychiatrist or the SADAG Mental health Line on 011 234 4837. If necessary, please phone the Suicide Crisis Line on 0800 567 567 or sms 31393.